a little early, not too early, a little ready, not too ready.
bittersweet residency, some sad things, hidden under the tongue, they slip out, a little late, not too late.
start over.
dear diary,
i finished my rdc2 submission, and i like it. i think the argument is there, finally, i didn't know what i was arguing for the longest time, but i think it's there. this lacan, how desire functions in us (problematic us, i don't agree with ideologies that say us, or are spelled us, but spiritually, there is always the us at the beginning and the end, oh, that's such a problem, but it's not my problem), this afro-caribbean thing, how spells function, what trance does when accompanied by a proper (don't look into that word very far, i don't mean what i think you think it means) spell, they are similar, very similar, and can do things to performers in a state of trance, things that i want to talk about, but not here, not in an rdc2 way, not in a lit review way, in the methodology sections way, that's later, that's still coming, but the argument, i think, the argument is there, i think, and i know i like where it is.
so i'm waiting to hear if it reads the way i think it reads (it never will, but there are linguistic blueprints--how can you be saussure?--haha my favorite joke--there are blueprints of how we know things through words, and this writing, not this one here, the rdc2 one is the this here, this writing might fit with that in a way that makes sense to someone trying to decipher whether or not this is on the level).
too many ways to say what i want to mean. what i think you want me to say. what i want to want to say. to say what i want to say.
oh but this: what i want: i don't want to pass, i don't want a degree, i want to be challenged, and earn a degree in the process (more precisely, i want to change my identity in the process, to learn how to think differently about what i do when i am making art, talking about art, learning about art). so far i am challenged very much so, yes, very much so, and i love this.
part 2.
dear diary,
i'm leaving on the 24th of june to spend four & a half weeks exploring europe with my mom and my daughter.
i'm packing and arranging a life here to move it there, but so much of it is left here. that's how it is when you are in between places.
on august 6th heather is coming from paris to berlin.
this means that everyone at transart will get to meet the three most important women in my life. i am very excited.
i am going to miss my dog, jake the dog.
part 3
dear diary,
we finished the show that makes up part three of the studio work.
the production was solid, but there were lots and lots of problems. things that made it almost impossible at times to focus on the trance work. i don't know how it worked, because i haven't interviewed the performers yet, that's still coming. i don't know if i'll have interviews when i leave, they might have to be captured across borders, wirelessly. but the audiences responded as if something very large and mysterious was happening, and i got to talk about my phd work in the press. we'll see how the rest of it turns out when we all get to talking about how the trance worked for them this time.
oh but there were some large problems that were beyond my control.
i can't talk about all of that here.
personal things about persons who are not me.
you know.
part 4
dear diary,
i am thinking about the next project.
not much, or not much that i have access to. images and dreams and things that i don't quite have access to. a room that's too dimly lit, where spirits are working out details for me, before they turn the light on.
i think brecht is right, people need to be able to smoke cigars and drink inside the theatre. (i don't drink though, i tried it once and it went on for 20 years and was sort of messy, but you can drink, if you're lucky it's very nice, i wasn't so lucky).
there are inklings of the next piece though, and they are like this:
first, i have a production in seattle in october, and one in tempe in november, so i don't know when this will work, but i know it has to work somewhere in there. that's a big part of my thinking about the next project, the logistics of time and schedules. i wish it weren't so much about time and schedules, but oh, i don't want to have to keep rushing things like i have been.
i see a series of stations. maybe this won't be in a theatre this time. a remote location out in the middle of the desert would be best, but hard to do here, not for lack of space, but because there are too many people with guns in those spaces.
it's obvious that we have to do something about those people with guns.
so maybe this is in my house, and outside my house, where there are stations, not like stations of the cross, but stations that number 5 (because of oshun), 5 stations where there are 5 groups of performers, some groups of 2 or 3, some groups of one (the word group is not correct for a group of one, but language is all that we have, or rather, interpretation is all we have, based on desire, how we hear what we want to hear, how we hear what we think they want us to hear, based on magic, how words make things when they are put together in certain orders).
the 5 stations perform an act, or a scene, continuously, so that the spectators can walk through them in whatever order they choose, and end with an incomplete vision of the whole.
one station with media only where a narrator puts the viewer into a state of trance.
one station where performers interact with media, a film about their experience.
3 stations that are only performers, these performers are in a deeper state of trance than we've done so far in this monsters of the sea.
all stations are performers reflecting on an experience, an experience with some basic components: a restless night. an argument between a heart and a head. falling into exhaustion finally and waking up hearing the dead singing.
this is about seeing, looking to see the world of the invisibles, and seeing something else instead.
an ecstatic rite that begins and ends with dancing.
that's all i can see right now.
love.
c
bittersweet residency, some sad things, hidden under the tongue, they slip out, a little late, not too late.
start over.
dear diary,
i finished my rdc2 submission, and i like it. i think the argument is there, finally, i didn't know what i was arguing for the longest time, but i think it's there. this lacan, how desire functions in us (problematic us, i don't agree with ideologies that say us, or are spelled us, but spiritually, there is always the us at the beginning and the end, oh, that's such a problem, but it's not my problem), this afro-caribbean thing, how spells function, what trance does when accompanied by a proper (don't look into that word very far, i don't mean what i think you think it means) spell, they are similar, very similar, and can do things to performers in a state of trance, things that i want to talk about, but not here, not in an rdc2 way, not in a lit review way, in the methodology sections way, that's later, that's still coming, but the argument, i think, the argument is there, i think, and i know i like where it is.
so i'm waiting to hear if it reads the way i think it reads (it never will, but there are linguistic blueprints--how can you be saussure?--haha my favorite joke--there are blueprints of how we know things through words, and this writing, not this one here, the rdc2 one is the this here, this writing might fit with that in a way that makes sense to someone trying to decipher whether or not this is on the level).
too many ways to say what i want to mean. what i think you want me to say. what i want to want to say. to say what i want to say.
oh but this: what i want: i don't want to pass, i don't want a degree, i want to be challenged, and earn a degree in the process (more precisely, i want to change my identity in the process, to learn how to think differently about what i do when i am making art, talking about art, learning about art). so far i am challenged very much so, yes, very much so, and i love this.
part 2.
dear diary,
i'm leaving on the 24th of june to spend four & a half weeks exploring europe with my mom and my daughter.
i'm packing and arranging a life here to move it there, but so much of it is left here. that's how it is when you are in between places.
on august 6th heather is coming from paris to berlin.
this means that everyone at transart will get to meet the three most important women in my life. i am very excited.
i am going to miss my dog, jake the dog.
part 3
dear diary,
we finished the show that makes up part three of the studio work.
the production was solid, but there were lots and lots of problems. things that made it almost impossible at times to focus on the trance work. i don't know how it worked, because i haven't interviewed the performers yet, that's still coming. i don't know if i'll have interviews when i leave, they might have to be captured across borders, wirelessly. but the audiences responded as if something very large and mysterious was happening, and i got to talk about my phd work in the press. we'll see how the rest of it turns out when we all get to talking about how the trance worked for them this time.
oh but there were some large problems that were beyond my control.
i can't talk about all of that here.
personal things about persons who are not me.
you know.
part 4
dear diary,
i am thinking about the next project.
not much, or not much that i have access to. images and dreams and things that i don't quite have access to. a room that's too dimly lit, where spirits are working out details for me, before they turn the light on.
i think brecht is right, people need to be able to smoke cigars and drink inside the theatre. (i don't drink though, i tried it once and it went on for 20 years and was sort of messy, but you can drink, if you're lucky it's very nice, i wasn't so lucky).
there are inklings of the next piece though, and they are like this:
first, i have a production in seattle in october, and one in tempe in november, so i don't know when this will work, but i know it has to work somewhere in there. that's a big part of my thinking about the next project, the logistics of time and schedules. i wish it weren't so much about time and schedules, but oh, i don't want to have to keep rushing things like i have been.
i see a series of stations. maybe this won't be in a theatre this time. a remote location out in the middle of the desert would be best, but hard to do here, not for lack of space, but because there are too many people with guns in those spaces.
it's obvious that we have to do something about those people with guns.
so maybe this is in my house, and outside my house, where there are stations, not like stations of the cross, but stations that number 5 (because of oshun), 5 stations where there are 5 groups of performers, some groups of 2 or 3, some groups of one (the word group is not correct for a group of one, but language is all that we have, or rather, interpretation is all we have, based on desire, how we hear what we want to hear, how we hear what we think they want us to hear, based on magic, how words make things when they are put together in certain orders).
the 5 stations perform an act, or a scene, continuously, so that the spectators can walk through them in whatever order they choose, and end with an incomplete vision of the whole.
one station with media only where a narrator puts the viewer into a state of trance.
one station where performers interact with media, a film about their experience.
3 stations that are only performers, these performers are in a deeper state of trance than we've done so far in this monsters of the sea.
all stations are performers reflecting on an experience, an experience with some basic components: a restless night. an argument between a heart and a head. falling into exhaustion finally and waking up hearing the dead singing.
this is about seeing, looking to see the world of the invisibles, and seeing something else instead.
an ecstatic rite that begins and ends with dancing.
that's all i can see right now.
love.
c
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